I look through porn pictures every now and then. Usually for some art references of one kind or another... but it's also really interesting to see how different people's bodies are.

Anyway...

what's the deal with nearly all porny women to be completely shaven of their crotch hair? o_O Or the the "strip". That strip is not flattering.

I rather like crotch hair... not a lot of it, but like, trimmed down short. I think it's cute.

Do guys really dig a totally shaved pussy? Feels better? Looks better to them?

...or is it some secret pedophile thing? All men are pedophiles...secretly... heh... -inside joke-

Hahahaha...


why am I lonely? o_o

I'm so freaking strange sometimes. I'm anti-social and enjoy my space from people and being able to do my own thing... but I get so lonely for social contact and friends around me and embraces and cuddles.

HURR. Aw, I'm just... a walking confliction.

No need to get upset about the way you are.

I know how you feel and I don't need to be told it. Actions often speak louder than words, man.

Holy jesus fuck balls. I feel so much freaking better.

Last few days it's been nothing but nightmares and anxiety. Yesterday, I just couldn't take it. I gave Sean a ring up and was all like "are you doing anything? Can I please come over? ;-;"

At first, things didn't really get better with me being over there. Oh man, I was mentally trashed. Thoughts of "fuck my life. Fuck my birthday, I don't even want to do anything for it. Fuck this relationship. Fuck my friends. I'm terrible. Hate hate hate-blah blah blah" (all of this on a mental track)

No one can read my poker face. I was just relaxing on the floor during all of this. Being very quiet and doodling as Sean did stuff on the computer. Then my friend Frank was freaking out right at the same time I was (we were texting back and forth by this point). Which really, only served to make me more insane, because you know how it is.. two crazies don't make a right.

After all that hallabaloo, I finally was able to tell Sean "yeah... I've been having an anxiety panick attack for the last hour and a half ._." (I don't know. I don't like bringing up whenever I feel miserable. Especially to him. I have my reservations about being a bother)

but oh ho. I'm so glad I said something. I got hugs and he layed on the floor with me...and we just talked for a while. Then he got me some delicious hot pot pie and we played video games late into the night.

Then we went to bed and I got raped.


AND. And, I didn't have any nightmares that night. <:) I'm feeling...so much better. (sigh)

Nightmares... last two days. Haven't been sleeping good.

I woke up this morning feeling like SHIT. Woke up in a sweat from my dreams...feeling mentally fucked up and physically ill.

Went into the bathroom to shower and I looked in the mirror. I looked like complete trash. Dark bags under my eyes, I had broken out in pimples (probably due to stress while sleeping). Feeling sick and wanting to vomit, my throat also hurts for some reason...



Ever have those shook up moments and all you want to do to curb your bad mojo is cuddle up with someone? I feel like that.. they don't even have to touch me back... just let me cling to you or curl up next to you and shake and cry quietly to myself. :(

I watched this and I just... I smiled through the whole thing. I even got a little teary eyed. I don't know why these kind of things get to me... species barriers being broken or something?

Watch this, you won't regret it. :)

I've got like... something wrong with my appetite. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat anything. Foods usually seem unappetizing. I'll go into the kitchen, feeling hungry, but come back with nothing because no foods are striking an interest in me.

Not just that, but sometimes when I look at food, all I can see is the shit that it will produce. Like brown foods, I mean. WTF?


At least I'm losing/maintaining a decent weight. :/

Yesterday I wouldn't have eaten at all if Sean didn't come over. I made him some food and decided to have some with him. Even then, all I had all day was a bowl of white rice.

Stupid brain.


I have a doctor's appointment in nine hours.

I tried to go to bed around 3:00am. I ended up just... laying there until 5:00. I couldn't turn my brain off. I kept thinking from one topic to the next, my heart started beating faster and harder and I started to feel physically ill and extremely anxious. :c

so now I am up. And feeling kinda sick. Sick like the "I just ate vitamins with no food in my stomach" feeling.

holy shit, this is awful.

I kept getting woken up in the middle of the night to cramps. I get up and my panties are all fucked up and bloody.

I'm also extremely nauseous. Just being at the computer is making me dizzy and want to puke.

I think it's funny how I can absorb the problems of others and am actually able to help them feel better..

and yet, when faced with my own dilemmas, I crumble.

I'm supposed to be this guy. :P

For my Spike Spiegel halloween costume. :B

Oh cigarettes... they give me the perfect escape to go outside and contemplate.

I came to a conclusion about something. My main reason for being so fearful or reluctant..or whatever it is, when it comes to asking things from people.. is that I want to be completely self reliant. I hate relying on others to do things. No matter how small. I want to do things on my own. Suffer alone, feed myself, pleasure myself. When I'm able to do things on my own, I don't need other people. I like it that way.


Also came to another thought. I am full of regrets. Mostly with how I've treated people in the past. Especially family members.

What the shit is wrong with me?

I'm so fucking paranoid I'm going to turn into my mom. People know I'm scared to be like her...but I don't think they know just how crazy I am with wanting to avoid that fate.

She was a major narcissist. I'm really paranoid about being a narcissist. One of my methods of combating this and proving to myself that I'm not is I'll go through a LOT of negative self talk. This is on a daily basis. I drive myself mad. It's a compulsion really. I want to stop, but thoughts like those slither through the cracks when I try to shut the door.


in other crazy news...

I can't seem to keep one train of thought going. One minute I'm contented with relationships, the next I can't stand them.

I hate my artwork to the point of getting horribly depressed and then the next minute the picture doesn't seem so bad. (and vise versa)

I want to kill myself and I want to live forever.

I want to socialize and I want to be left alone.

I want to share my true feelings and I want to keep them locked away forever.


I'm conflicted. My soul is conflicted. I feel retarded.

I had a semi-panic attack before falling asleep last night. I had the most vivid awful dreams.


What I remember the most clearly was that I was witnessing the latest scientific break through. Medical scientists had discovered a way to reanimate dead tissue. They were showing news clips of such. The only parts of this I can remember is that they had a man tied down to a metal autopsy/hospital gurney and someone had reanimated a pair of legs (it might've been a whole person, but all you could see were her feet). These legs and feet had absolutely no skin; they were bloody, muscles and tendons exposed. The scientists had placed the reanimated body on top of the man in such a way that the feet were resting on his upper chest near his face. These feet were writhing around so horribly... it was like they were enjoying something tremendously (think: a woman's feet writing around as if she's being sexually pleasured).

In the next scene I was witnessing these underground mafia types wheel in a body under a sheet. This was happening privately in a giant house, I was just a little girl watching all of this (presumably, I lived here and one of my family members was part of this mafia gang). Whatever was under the sheet started to move. I kept watching. Suddenly the body on this new metal hospital bed, sat up and started screaming! The sheet covering it's face slipped off and it was like a meaty, bloody and skinned human man. He was screaming and screaming and screaming! "THE PAIN. IT HURTSSSSS. THE PAINNN!" I have no idea why they would've done it, but they reanimated a person after all of his skin and pieces of muscle were removed...

The mafia people then noticed I was in the room and sent me to bed.

I wandered down a hallway into my bedroom where my (dream) sister was asleep. It was a bunk bed that we shared and I climbed up top to sleep with her. Now, we're both very little girls, around 7 or something. After this part the dream turned into Poltergeist. Totally. I remember at one point my dream sister was pulled under the bed by a freaky ghost/demon version of my crazy grandmother sally. I was able to pull my sister back out, but her eyes were almost completely black and lifeless, she was also covered in frost. My mom busted through the door and was freaking out and picked up my dream sister. I was the only one to think of calling the police, but the phone wasn't working.

We ran down the hall, my mom still freaking out and yelling and we went into her room. My grandma Sally was in there, though she wasn't a ghost or anything strange. My mom handed my dream sister to her and my sister eventually came around...but she started coughing up buttons. Upon closer inspection, these buttons had come from Sally's night blouse that she was wearing...


-so that was my dream. It was awful and I woke up awful. @_@ I feel better after writing down what I could remember though...

but that screaming bloody corpse...that is.... that was terrible.

I'm bored to tears over here. Nothing going on online and that's where I predominately dwell.

I'm so bored that only my work is entertaining for me. XD

That's a good thing though, I think. Plowing through commissions.

Is it normal to sleep waaaaaaaaay too much on your period?

I'm normally very regular with my sleeping I go to bed between 11:00 and 2:30am and wake up between 11:00 and 1:30pm.

I did go to bed a little later than usual last night, but I slept in until 4:30! And I woke up to a pretty heavy flow... day one of period, actually.

Sean is my anti-depressant. 'Nuff said. B-)

more zombie rp today.


Sean and David are now zombies.

WHY GOD, WHY.

Oh god, the whole "sean turning" scene... it was so emotionally heart wrenching. Holy gods.

"dru..I don't want you to see this..."

"oh god...sean...why...." ;n; *leaves room and cries and vomits in the bathroom*

Jeb then talked to Sean *gives sean a note pad* "is there anything you want to tell Dru before you...well..."

*sean writes something*

and then that was that. :c


Right now our boat is being attacked by a mass of zombies. There is a zombie Sean and a zombie David roaming about here! D:>